Welcome. You are HERE. Please direct your attention to the bottom of the page to find a map of the area.
I am not an artist.
I am not a journalist.
I do not write copy for Hollywood.
I will not perform Open Mic for free while assholes are on the take under the table.
I do not produce “mainstream” Gonzo pornography.
I will not live and work in someone’s metaphorical fishbowl.
Hippies and Veterans both have to use the back door.
Please take off your shoes.
Yes that’s real.
Yes it’s loaded.
No don’t touch it.
Like I have written before: if you’re not reading this in your best impression of Hunter S. Thompson, you probably should not be here.
Easyriders Magazine and Paladin Press both went tits up the other day, Rhodesia is on fire now more than ever, searching Gonzo on Google may require a change in adult content settings which means you might have seen me disrobed, I’m trying to build a Shovelhead on my coffee table, Racial Holy War is now so prevalent that even the most naive can no longer deny or avoid it, now they’re scared and need something to read or watch, and you think I’m supposed to behave myself?
YOU JUST EXPECT ME TO SIT DOWN AND KILL MYSELF LIKE H.S.T. DID TOO?! THE DOCTOR OF GONZO ALREADY PERFORMED THAT SURGERY, YOU LUSTFUL BASTARDS! IS RALPH STEADMAN STILL ALIVE?! HELL WITH IT, I WILL GO IT ALONE! PASS ME THE MARIJUANA AND HORSE TRANQUILIZERS. AND THE CAMERA. PENCIL SHARPEN- OR FOR FUCK’S SAKE JUST GIVE ME THE WHOLE DAMNED TOUGH BOX. YES! I KNOW IT STILL HAS GUNPOWDER RESIDUE ON IT FROM THE LAST TRIP! YES! THE WHEEL, IT’S BROKEN, I WILL DRAG I- LOOK! STORIES NEED TO BE WRITTEN, PORN NEEDS TO BE PRODUCED, GUNS NEED TO BE FIRED, ART NEEDS TO BE!
I am currently accepting payments in American coin only. Coins. Physical, coins. American. Delivery method and type of said coin is negotiable, but I have my preferences. I am not a Scientologist.
And now, a gangsterly Haiku about one American who put his foot down, mostly because it fell asleep earlier, and I don’t think anybody likes that feeling either:
I WILL NOT take up
Arms against Americans.
What you just read is not a resume (pronounced resume like a grunt), but I am about to tell you to Charlie Mike away from me if you want to call all that up there a curriculum vitae. If you call that shit biodata, I will probably lock the door before you even show up.
I do not make good jokes about business, economy, religion, art, war, sex, my generation’s porn habits, and then turn on my audience.
I do make bad jokes “tho.” Like the ones you just read.
I need to Charlie Mike, so if you will excuse me, I will be Oscar Mike.