Dissociative Closure

(This message was originally posted to Facebook before I wised up, and transplanted my intellectual property to my own digital living space.)

Dissociative Closure.
 
Bottom Line Up Front: I don’t dissociate for attention.
 
I have a lot of people who seem to think I have problems with this part of my personality, like I can’t seem to grasp this, as though I have a massive ego, or I am autistic, or “socially retarded” as some people have suggested in the past.
 
Please stop interpreting it that way when dealing with someone like me.
 
The truth is that I dissociate out of necessity. I dissociate for the purpose of survival, and I dissociate for the safety of those around me who are too incapable or unwilling to accept that they’re abusive toward others, even when they think they’re being kind.
 
Most people, I gather, don’t mean to be the way they are when they’re being hurtful, or otherwise ridiculous to the point that it affects others immensely. I know this firsthand, because I too can be that way.
 
However, no matter the reason, it’s still abuse, and I am very sensitive to it, to the point that if I absorb too much of it, I myself become abusive, which I am so sick and tired of doing to others.
 
It’s abuse, but many times these people being abusive, myself included, are very innocent because abuse is all they know in a time when abuse seems to be the constant agenda.
 
Remember: nobody, not even you, asked to be born, but it happened.
 
Remember: nobody, not even you, asked to be exposed to the things that you were exposed to, for good or bad, since the moment you were born. Unless you’re a weirdo like me, and sign your name on a dotted line, and swear an oath that you’ll bathe in your own spilled blood on behalf of others if necessary.
 
We’re living in a time right now that makes me want to cry so hard that I won’t be able to stop crying, so that’s why I haven’t allowed myself to cry for years. That, and I’m a man, and men are apparently not supposed to cry.
 
I feel the weight of these emotions from the pit of my stomach, and it’s so bad that it has actually affected my physiology. The US Department of Veterans Affairs will deny that supposedly crazy statement all day long, but ask any martial arts instructor who works with people like me, and they can actually quantify what I am talking about right now.
 
Abuse, both self abuse and abuse from others, will actually affect one’s anatomy and physical health to include posture.
 
Abuse comes in many forms, but one thing is for certain: people like me are very tuned in to what abuse looks like, feels like, sounds like, and what comes of it.
 
Whether it’s the abuse just about everyone sees in childhood these days, or what a lot of young men and women end up being exposed to in these wars our government is finally trying to end after almost 30 straight years of what is called The Gulf War Era; whatever the case, abuse is so commonplace that many people are simply exhausted to the facts they are highly aware of, and they just navigate through it, numb, dissociative, or worse: they wear a mask.
 
We are so aware, but after years of being exposed to it, we no longer seem to want to change course, and instead just accept some form of abuse or suffering.
 
I never liked wearing a mask, but I also never liked being abused. I also hate being abusive, so lately, I just try to stay the course, alone. I do this because I am so used to witnessing abuse everywhere I go, that I can barely get a hold of the inner child inside me who was alive and well before I left for the Army.
 
The inner child is starving, he is hurt, he needs water, he needs warmth, he needs food, he needs a bath, he needs a bond only the opposite sex can provide, he needs… well… he needed… a haircut.
 
If I allow myself to be exposed to abuse around me too much, and the frivolousness that comes from people I try to talk to about this sort of thing becomes too great in addition to the abuse, I very frequently find myself becoming the master of abuse because I am so well versed in feeling and seeing it. I lash out.
 
If I’m going to be good at something, I’m gonna be the best, and when I feel like I’m under threat, I will be the best at defending myself, no matter the cost. Unfortunately, as many have said in the past: if all a young man is given is a hammer, everything will look like a nail.
 
So instead, I dissociate. I’m just sort of floating most days, navigating through nothingness, but that doesn’t mean I have to join everyone else and just accept “some” form or “level” of abuse in order to “succeed” in life, and be a part of “somethingness” that requires an unnecessary layer of pain.
 
I did that whole pain thing on behalf of others for quite some time. A lot of young people have done the same. Some still did it for decades, and in recent times, with a celebrity status, those venerable elders are finally retiring from public service to this country.
 
Whether or not they choose to stop enduring unnecessary pain is up to them, but quite frankly, I’m done. If that makes me less rich, less “valid,” less “relevant,” less “respected,” less “qualified,” and less of “a man” for the rest of my life: well then fine. However, see how far you get to my front door or my face if you try to force me to accept more pain for some agenda. I hope you packed a lunch.
 
The truth is that I’m not going to stop taking things personally, no matter how petty some people think that statement is.
 
This is my life.
 
Your life is your life too.
 
We don’t get to take any of this with us when we die.
 
Maybe we do, but I’m not willing to risk or gamble with that notion in order to justify me being the recipient of more and more abuse just to get to the top of some hierarchy of needs.
 
We have to stop telling ourselves that we have to put up with abuse, disrespect, and all manner of terrible treatment, to include what we actively ignore. It’s still there, whether you like it or not, and it’s time to stop tolerating it. We need to stop accepting and tolerating behavior that flies directly in the face of natural laws of man and nature, or the abuse will continue.
 
If one disagrees, I must inform them that the only other option is to continue absorbing the abuse day after day, little by little, even in its tiniest form, even if someone is “just joking,” and then, as happened between me and one of my best friends today, in some horrible sort of way, we find ourselves vomiting that abuse onto someone we love dearly.
 
It’s disgusting, and I assure you that the best way to prevent this is to dissociate from abuse, to include self abuse.
 
Unfortunately, as of right now, that means, especially if you find yourself surrounded by abusive people in an abusive society, you’re going to feel and actually be very alone for a while. It’s going to be this way until your mind can rewire itself to identify loving and decent people who are most likely suffering through this just like you.
 
Meanwhile, there will be very lonely people out there trying to do the same, and chances are high that they will have your best interests taken to heart because they feel what you feel, and only hope for the same peace in your heart that their heart is trying to seek.
 
Take the gun OUT of your mouth.
Put the liquor bottle you’re drinking all by yourself DOWN. Keep the pills IN the cabinet.
Keep the razor blades IN the drawer.
 
Stop abusing yourself whether emotionally, sexually, socially, professionally, or otherwise, and just hold on one more day.
 
As some of us with a certain white colored key chain might say when it comes to surviving: Just for today.
 
As some of us with a certain white colored chip or coin might say: To thine own self be true.
 
It’s going to take a while, but eventually, you will find others like you. The abusive people too trapped in self, outward, and inward abuse will take notice of these connections. They will then be left with choices: abuse you for being different, or join you for being true to yourself.
 
In the Army, we called this leading by example. It’s the same concept here, but just like in the Army, don’t be a bit surprised if many people instead choose to do their own thing, in this case continuing to abuse self and others, and hurt themselves and others.
 
Until then, until you find other kindred souls, don’t feel bad about dissociating.
 
Don’t feel bad about immersing yourselves in history, nature, natural history, and other pursuits, or endeavors, that don’t necessarily require high levels of human interaction in abusive forms. Don’t make the mistakes that I have been making, and just barrel your way through these abusive people with full kindness.
 
I am sorry to say, but you cannot actually “kill people with kindness.” It doesn’t work. They’re mixed up, angry, always unfortunate in their words and actions, and no matter how loving or kind you are, any older mother or grandmother will tell you (if you still actually pay attention to elderly women, for God’s sake), that throwing love at people who cannot or will not accept it or reciprocate it is very dangerous.
 
Any older man with a family he’s had to defend and tend to with his life will tell you the same.
 
It’s getting late, but please know that I don’t just “go off the grid.” Truth be told, I cannot stand social media. It’s one of the worst possibly conceived gifts and simultaneous curses our world has ever devised in this era, especially when we let ourselves believe that it’s “free.”
 
If you ever want to contact me in earnest, I ask that you please use the “mailbox,” or Contact feature, at my own piece of “internet real estate.” My website is my actual “internet house with white picket fence” over at Endeavors to Success.
 
I would rather we chat there, instead of here on social media.
 
I actually pay a large sum of money to “own” that part of the internet, and keep it advertising free (no, I don’t need your money right now… that isn’t what this is about). Whereas social media will just censor us all while making money off of our free labor known as “freelance writing” or “independent contribution,” I will just respond to your email without anything else.
 
Life is not a dress rehearsal.
 
I wish you all a happy night, at a time of year that is special for very many of you. I have to be alone now.
 
-EJH

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